Silly Me

After 40 blogs on which I wrote about a variety of subjects I thought it might be a good idea to tell something about myself. I mean, reading blogs can be nice, informative and fun but personally I always like to know some background information. I wrote a bit in the book Kalapati but the main part there was about the period 2013 – 2015. So… fasten your seatbelts and let’s take the journey back in time in a nuttshell.

In midsummer of 1956 I was born in a small town in Holland. My parents had 2 daughters already and 2 years after me my brother closed the line. My parents were not rich but I guess it did not really show. From the start they had a lot of problems with me. I was not exactly the ideal son and I knew precisely what I wanted and… what I did not want. 

7, 8 years old? I wonder if my mother took me to same hair dresser again!

School for one, I did not like at all. I was an outcast and never had many friends. Not that I did not want friends, of course I did. The point was I never understood other kids. I found them too childish and as a result I was more often seen with older people. Knowing this it should not come as a surprise when I tell you that after high school I definitely did not chose to go to college. I was 17 years young and wanted a job. The first job was in a big office in Amsterdam. Every morning I took the train and loved the sound of the hurdy-gurdy that was in front of the railway station. From there it was a 10 minute walk through old Amsterdam and the route led me via the red-light district. Even now I can clearly see this blond woman who was always waving and smiling. I always thought there was someone walking right behind me and all gestures were meant for him. Until I wanted to see who this man was and saw… nobody! All those months she had been waving and smiling to me, a 17 year young innocent virgin. 

Sorry for her but I was not interested. It was still not known to others by then but I had a preference for men. A few years earlier I had read a letter in one of those women magazines my mother got every week. The letter was written by a young guy who felt attracted to other guys. I guess then, in the early 70’s he was given some good advice. When I asked the girl who I called my sister then she simply said “Oh, maybe he saw a handsome guy and now thinks that he is gay but it does not mean anything. We can all see when somebody is looking good. Big deal!” That was actually the first time I heard the word gay. 

I was 18 when I came out and although my parents were pretty conservative they never made it a problem. Sure, they had their worries, only because they did not know enough. Whenever they heard about gay people it was always bad news. So they thought I turned into some ‘dark world’ where I easily could get killed. Looking back it seems like we were living in the dark ages then. My first friend was 38 years old and my parents found him a bit old for me but at least he was a wise man with a good job so they felt that I least I was safe. The relationship lasted about 3 years. And some more were to follow. 

One might think I was never happy with my relationships. On the contrary! It just so happened that there were always circumstances disturbing them. True, my second boyfriend turned out to be violent. Reason enough to end that relationship. In my opinion people cannot own someone else, let alone beat them. His follow up knew all about me and together we decided to have an open relationship. Not that we went looking actively for one night stands but, as we put it, if it happens it is OK. We promised each other to be open about it. Despite all the good intentions he lied and only could tell the truth while were having dinner in a small restaurant in Paris. He had a little too much of alcohol when he told me about a guy he worked with and what had happened between them a few months earlier. He was afraid to tell me then. For me again a reason to quit. When people cannot trust each other in a relationship there is something wrong. Actually, thinking of it, I also did not like the idea that he wanted me to join him in the Bhagwan movement. I like to make my own choices. This has nothing to do with being stubborn. Al through my life I have always been loyal to the ones I was with. One day when a friend came over to visit me I got a phone call and I must have said something like that because I remember the friend laughing when he shouted “Frans is always loyal. To all men!” 

In my self-designed and knitted sweater.

Being a bit older now all I can say is that I have been honest and true always. Not that everybody always liked it but I really think it is always best to be open. No hidden agendas. 

This will be continued soon. 

Love the ones you’re with and be loved in return.