About thirty years ago I went to an older woman who was clairvoyant. I remember exactly what I thought when I entered her house. It was literally overfilled with kitsch. There were big porcelain tigers and dogs. Also at least 2 chandeliers full of fake diamonds. The carpet and tapestries on the wall had about all the colors one can imagine. Coffee was served in a cup that was covered with thick roses on it. You will understand already that it was not exactly my cup of tea. Oh! Did I say coffee earlier? It all looked so cheap and lacked good taste. I thought “How on earth will this woman be able to tell me about my future?” We had a small talk and then, suddenly without asking me anything she started telling me things about me. There was nothing I could have kept secret for her. She told me everything and she was right on the spot! What I remember most was the fact that she said: “I cannot see exactly what, but you’re going to do something and it is all about writing”. I told her that I was working in an office and that I had to write a lot. She then said “No! That is not what I mean. It is different but I cannot see precisely what it is. Maybe it will not be soon.” Well, here I am writing my blogs (still not perfect maybe but I will grow. Trust me.) and I recently had my first book published, Kalapati ( In Dutch. English translation will come as well and soon, I hope).
The woman also told me that I would make a perfect lawyer.
“You are pretty good at defending other people. Fighting for their rights. It
would be better though if you stood up more for yourself! Because you are
vulnerable and people out there are on the prowl. You are a very welcome victim
to them.” In the end she told me about my mother. And again she was very right.
I was amazed.
After I left I took the train back home and I could not help
but think about all she had told me. First of all I was worried about my
mother. As we all were by the way. We thought she was dementing. We were wrong
as the woman had told me. The doctor confirmed it a year later when it was
already too late for an operation. My mother died from a stroke a few months
after she was diagnosed. But what had the woman said about me? Lawyer, fighting
for others but not for myself, victim and something that had to do with
writing. The latter I did not want to think about too much. She could not tell
me much about it. So that was meant for later. But me being vulnerable? I had never
looked at myself that way but now that the word was out I came to the
conclusion she was right.
Knowing that was good but what to do about it? I always
liked helping other people but sure enough, there were always those who took
advantage of that. Of course, that was something that bothered me and I always
said to myself “Never again will I make this mistake”. I always kept the word. Until
the next person was having problems that needed to be solved. Until now I don’t
know what it is that always makes me want to help others, no matter what.
People told me we are who we are because of the way we were
raised. I think that is only partly true. If only bringing up children marks
them, then why are my sisters and brother so completely different? We were all
raised in the same way. Our parents taught us all the same values. To me, it is
pretty clear that genes have a saying in the process as well. My mother was a
very caring and close to a humble woman. Also very emotional. And I can tell that
we have a lot in common there. Being emotional, by the way, does not only mean
that people start crying easily. All our feelings are emotions, whether we are
sad, happy or angry etc. My mother was always trying hard to please others. And
that caused her problems sometimes because of different reasons. At breakfast, she never sat properly on her chair. Always in the front, ready to run if
someone asked for something missing on the table. But I also noticed that
pleasing others
got her confused often because different family members had different
interests. I’m afraid I recognized it so well because I am just the same. Somehow
however she always managed. Unlike me. I have my own wishes that I like to be
fulfilled as well. And when you always try to please others, who then is
pleasing you? My mother did not ask much. She was always very humble. In a way, I am humble too but definitely not like her. Trying to please others and having
wished for yourself are the perfect ingredients for a clash now and then. I
know it first-hand. Thanks to a bad happening some time ago I have changed. In
the way that I became less demanding. Now it is easier to accept things that cannot
always be as you want them to be. And yes, I still like to help other people.
There is never anything bad about that.
Taking care of yourself demands quite some discipline. When
I live with someone it is easy enough: I make sure the place always looks good.
Living alone is another story. Washing the dishes after breakfast? Why? I can
do all dishes after dinner. The same goes for washing the bed sheets. Living
alone I never did mind if they were one or two weeks on the bed. Nobody but me
would notice. But it is of course a wrong attitude. If you cannot take care of
yourself then how can you possibly take good care of others? As soon as I
started changing the ‘bad’ attitude I enjoyed it very much. Every week I bought
a new flower arrangement to put on the dining table. It was the finishing touch
that made my apartment look nice and welcoming.
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