Memories

At the moment I am translating the book that I wrote earlier this year in the Dutch language. It is autobiographic, going through everything again and now brings back memories. Not only memories come up from the period I described there. It goes back much further. Isn’t it strange how our brains work? One memory leads you to another and that goes on and on. It is like walking a stairway going down. We go to the depths of our minds. Sure enough, I guess the music I am listening to while translating helps a bit as well.

Earlier this afternoon I went out to sit on the front porch. Sometimes I just need to get away from what I am doing just to clear my mind. I easily get carried away so I really need those short breaks. And that is when the old memories come back; it can be everything. One disappears and another pops up immediately. Sometimes I wish I could look inside my own head to see how it all works so I can place everything in proper order. Do some re-formatting I could say as well. 

Frankly, I don’t have a clue if other people have the same experiences. A song came up: “The way we were”. Some of the lyrics were spinning through my head “Scattered pictures”. “What's too painful to remember We simply choose to forget”. The pictures that came to mind were scattered indeed. Pictures of scenes a year ago as well as far back in time. But I cannot say I have forgotten what was too painful. Of course; there are many painful memories from last year in the book. What I meant is that I still have painful memories from a long time ago. Not that I recall them often, but they are hidden somewhere and sometimes if anything happens they can just pop up. Sure enough, we prefer to look back at our happy moments. 

But I have noticed that when we grow older those memories are not exactly innocent. For instance, I have fond memories of my ex-partners. But if I only look at the good things I am pulling my own leg. Why these relationships didn’t last? Because there were too many arguments, disagreements, and even cheating. No, I don’t like to think about those things but to deny them would not be good either. They were lessons in life and they brought me right here where I am now. And so, instead of only bringing back the good memories, I go through the lesser ones too.

Also growing older and thinking only about the good things from our past makes us wish we could go back in time.  It’s a trap. For the very same reasons. Why do we want to go back in time? Because we recall the nice moments, that first kiss, our first apartment or house, that great holiday on a sunny island, the birth of a child. But what happened after that first kiss? Was there only happiness when you started living on your own? 

And how sunny was the holiday? Was it only clear skies? The child grew up and you enjoyed it. But how about all the worries you had then? Forgotten! Because we store the bad memories in the dark and dusty vaults of our minds. We really should go there every now and then. Wipe the dust off and have a clean look so we can be true and honest to ourselves.

Well…I guess I made my point somehow. I can’t really concentrate because I am distracted. By my own memories.

Love the ones you’re with and be loved in return.